Tuesday, February 8, 2011

"Ngo jao lei sei"

Proverbs 18:21
" The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

I was standing on a chair with wheels on the landing of the stairs trying to pull out the thumbtack on my artwork. Those were the words I uttered aloud at three years old when I fell down the stairs in my house and suffered a big gash on the top left of my head. My sis said blood was streaming down and she rushed to get me a hanky to press against my head. Those words "I am going to die" were spoken in Cantonese.

I always found this part of my life quite fascinating. I drew a storyboard of it when I was seven and that is why I remember it so vividly. Firstly, it showed I was a Cantonese speaking child. Secondly, from a child's point of view, I was innocently saying what I really felt at that time. I think that incident scarred me for life.

But few days ago, I took another step and dug deeper. Since my parents were separated then and were away at work, they could not rush to the scene to give me a big hug or to comfort me. I think for a long time, there was still a big hole in my heart waiting to be comforted, to be loved. I was finally taken to the clinic after my sis called my parents and I had my wound stitched up but I don't recall being comforted. I was living with my dad then so i definitely didn't have my mum to hug me. I think that the emptiness opened up for the spirit of rejection to come into me as I grew up. 

I have to ask you this. Have you ever, at any point of your life, thought of committing suicide? Henry said he never did. 

I remember my sister and I moved to stay with my mum in her flat when I was four. When I got really angry with my mum, I felt like packing my clothes to run away or jump off the balcony. I would put a leg over the balcony but I was too chicken to jump. More like, wisdom took hold of me. Sometimes, stress at work can be so bad and when there is no way out at that point, I would just say "I feel like committing suicide". But really, I don't mean it. It is stupid to take my life away because there is always a way out. It is just at that point, it was very frustrating. Interestingly, spirit of fear from the fall opened up to spirit of rejection and then now came the curses upon myself to die. Sigh. What a whole lot of mess! I think the worse that came from such fright was fear of men which paralysed me from doing a lot of things later in life like singing on stage, presentations, meeting people, going on missions, even teaching Sunday school to babies. Yet, if I put my mind to it (battle of the mind) and overcome the fears, I actually do very well.

The fall leading to the spirit of rejection also left me with lots of relationship that did not work out. Always looking for love and never finding it. Henry was God's blessings to me because by then I had Jesus in my life and I was very very close to Jesus then.

The latest battle I had to deal with is hyperventilation or panic attacks. It could be over the simplest things like sorting mail. The other day, it was simply transferring some money from my account to Henry's account online. The system wasn't working well that day even though i called the customer service centre and I felt the pressure that if I didn't do it, then Henry would not be happy with me or my credit card would be cut off or something like that. I was so stressed but then I realized I shouldn't be like this and I kept crying out to Jesus aloud! Then I asked Henry how he dealt with circumstances like that when the banking system lets him down and he gave me a very good answer! He said "You should realize that the  IT world is equally fallen too so just be more patient. Give yourself a break and try again later". I think it just woke me up at that point of time not to be so hard on myself, to take a step back and look at the big picture and it is just not about me and to look at the circumstance around me as well and just be patient. Henry also said to do what we always tell our boys to do "Say I am kind, I am patient".

In my heart, I have forgiven my parents because I know it was the circumstances that led to all these rejections and fears. I know my mum did her best to raise us up singlehandedly, with whatever little resources she had and she has done a marvelous job because I grew up a happy child. I think she over protected me. She did a lot of things for me rather than to allow me to be independent so much so I have difficulty doing simple stuff like sorting mail! I think it is really tough to be a parent. We almost always have to play psychologist and balance out everything. 

I can see so many parts of me in Nic that it is frightening. We try to help him overcome his fears and help him to be more independent with simple chores around the house and building his character in Boys Brigade. We try to help him think positively rather than to go melancholic and thinking of the worse scenarios.

Only yesterday, Nic was coughing and when we told him he needn't go to school, he suddenly was healed miraculously. Ha ha. See how he psyches himself not to go to school? The doctor confirmed he had red throat but even before he met the doctor, Nic claimed he was healed because Henry prayed for him earlier. Henry is really cool because he has all this little visuals that helps Nic and Nic seems to be able to relate to them. He drew a visual of a weak brain and a strong brain and another which we are planning to show him are some strong plants shooting a weak zombie  (inspired by the "plant vs zombie" game).

It is interesting how I can grow up happy yet with all the hidden fears, rejections, spoken curses and suffering silently, trying to overcome them myself. It is only when I knew Jesus in 1998 that His love filled my big hole. And it is only this recent journey that He is teaching me how to overcome my fears, rejections and death so that they will have no more power or dominion over me.

In the name of Jesus, I bind this bondage of fear/ fright, rejection and death that has bound me since I was three. I ask for the blood of the lamb to sever all ties from all of you and I cast you into the depths of the sea. You evil spirits no longer have any power or dominion over me for God who is in me is greater than you spirit of fear, rejection and death.  I reject all the curses of death that I had spoken to myself in Jesus' name.  Holy spirit, come check my mind, my spirit, my soul and body if there be any unturned stone and fill me with your healing power and all of God's love, joy and peace in Jesus' name. Thank you holy spirit for revealing all this to me and for helping me be an overcomer. Thank you Lord for everything! Amen!


  1. Hi liz - once again thanks for sharing. Yes the scarring left by parents breaking up is so so deep. My parents haven't acknowledged the pain they caused but I have forgiven them. It certainly caused overwhelming pain and rejection. Without God to help heal and comfort, who knows where we'd be. I am glad your mum was able to comfort you. I think my mum was so caught up in how it affected her, she never thought of us... I don't think she will - at least not till her heart is melted by Jesus' love. And so in light of this, we must ensure our marriages are secure for our children as well as being a beacon of light in this sad world of me-ism and divorce.

    God bless!

  2. Thank YOU Wendy for sharing and I am so thankful I am not alone in all this. Part of the scar too was it took so long for me to get married not wanting the same to happen to me. Yes, I am so happy for us to have found husbands to love Jesus just as much and having God in the centre of our marriages. I learn lots from u just by watching how u bring up your kids. Well done Wendy and yes, all glory to God! :)

  3. what a touching sharing! i could tell that you are really dissecting your heart and eyeing your enemy in his eyes. thank you for sharing. i have no idea that you felt so weak inside cos really, all i could see was His strength in you! you are so good with babies and crafts etc. in fact, there were times that i wished if i could be as creative as you, i would be better with my kids! :) praise the Lord for his healing in your life.

  4. Hi Liz,

    May many will see how our "bad" experiences in our lives, especially when we are young, could mar our lives. Such things as divorces, broken deep relationships, frightful mishaps, and abuses can really affect our lives more than we realise it. Sometimes, demonic oppressions and demonisation can even set in.

    As you live a life close to the Spirit of God, and when He reveals things of your past, DO NOT ignore them. The saddest thing is when we have a scenario of a sick person not recognising that he or she is sick. It will be extremely difficult to help such individuals. You are to be thankful that you continue to receive revelation of what matters in life, and what you need to deal with.

    Both you and your friend, Wendy are really blessed of the Lord to have come into good marriages with husbands who love the Lord, and understand love is a choice and a covenant, and are prepared to stay together through thick or thin.

    Liz, what you have related concerning the negative "mindsets" as a result of your past are serious matters that need to be dealt with. A multi-sessions wholeness ministering is perhaps necessary. It is definitely right for you to pray for yourself to negate all of those things; yet at times, it may be necessary to be ministered by others in wholeness and deliverance ministry. If your church has such a ministry, be humble and volunteer to be ministered by them. It is both a sign of humility and recognition of the power of 2 or 3 in agreement (to bind, break, and release).

    Maybe one day I will share with you my own struggle (which I am still in) which I have not directly shared on my blog. There are many more things we do not understand concerning the ways of God even as we learn more about Him, yet we have to have faith that He is trustworthy, and His thoughts towards us are good all the time, and when we have remained steadfast, persevered and overcome, He will come through for us, eventually.

  5. Hi Anthony, thanks for your sharing. It is very insightful. Do tell me more. I have gone for deliverance during deeper life seminar. It is more than just a seminar, it is very practical and they have pastors there to minister to us. The thing is there is many of us so they pray from the spirit. Did u mean I have to tell some minister my problem n then get deliverance. I cried so much during deliverance under dr lay. He has much experience in this area and it was my first experience. Only then did I realize that evil spirits have specialization. Ha ha. I questioned him coz it is not in the bible. He says it is from experience coz healing comes when u call out the right spirit assigned to us.

  6. Hi fee, I like the way u say it - eyeing the enemy in the eye..ha ha..I think we carry more hurt than we realize and sometimes it is good to sit down to think about it and seek deliverance. But I wasn't taught before so I did not know we could do such things so I am slowly learning and now I am trying to woolly. God is gracious n he is really leading me. Praise the Lord!

  7. Hi Liz,

    "Did u mean I have to tell some minister my problem n then get deliverance."

    Yes, that is what I mean.

    But you have to approach the right people, for not all believe the possible impacts of the things I referred to. Also, some may not be sensitive enough to your condition, and to the Holy Spirit to minister.

    Even if there is no demon possession or demonisation (they are not the same), still it is possible, one's wholeness might have been affected, and it is always good to be whole again.

    Jer 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

    One of the definitions of "prosper" for the verse is to make one whole, and that, the LORD does want for all His children. It is not necessarily that the LORD wants to make one materially wealthy (that is what many people like to take "prosper" to mean), but the LORD would like everyone to be whole. And wholeness does not necessarily mean one is devoid of physical defects. I believe, it is the wholeness of the soul and spirit of man being referred to.

    Now, if you cannot get the appropriate people to minister to you, may I suggest you consider doing this at the meantime. You can get your husband to pray with you, but that is effective only if he understands and believes in this area of warfare; this, only you will know better. He must understand and know his authority in Christ Jesus, to come against any principalities at work. Although he would be ministering alone to you, the agreement of husband and wife (and with the Holy Spirit) can be powerful. Find a time without the children interrupting, go into a room, and the two of you could praise and worship God as long as you can. Invite the Holy Spirit to come to minister. When your husband pray and does warfare, and release healing from God, you do not pray, you just stay in agreement with your husband, and look to the Lord (Generally, "ministee" are not encouraged to pray when the minister is praying; just agree and look to the Lord, and receive).

    Caution: Wherever possible, spiritual warfare should be engaged in a setting of 2 "ministers" (or more) and the "ministee". It should not be attempted in the setting of 1 minister and the ministee when they are of opposite sex (unless they are husband and wife). People involved in deliverance must have watched their life so that the devils cannot accuse in session.

    Liz, it does not necessarily mean you are demon-possessed or demonised. It may be just that your soul and spirit need wholeness ministering by the Lord. Meanwhile, stay positive.

  8. Hi Liz,
    Thanks for sharing yr experiences as a child and later as an adult. It is indeed very touching. It's very brave of you to do so.
    I've known you best as a teenager. I love your playfulness and your passion and yr loving kindness. These are qualities very much evident within you, both then and now : )
    Send my wishes to yr family....and a belated happy CNY. lol.
    Cheers, Stephen. Xxx