"Ngo jao lei sei"

Proverbs 18:21
" The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."

I was standing on a chair with wheels on the landing of the stairs trying to pull out the thumbtack on my artwork. Those were the words I uttered aloud at three years old when I fell down the stairs in my house and suffered a big gash on the top left of my head. My sis said blood was streaming down and she rushed to get me a hanky to press against my head. Those words "I am going to die" were spoken in Cantonese.

I always found this part of my life quite fascinating. I drew a storyboard of it when I was seven and that is why I remember it so vividly. Firstly, it showed I was a Cantonese speaking child. Secondly, from a child's point of view, I was innocently saying what I really felt at that time. I think that incident scarred me for life.

But few days ago, I took another step and dug deeper. Since my parents were separated then and were away at work, they could not rush to the scene to give me a big hug or to comfort me. I think for a long time, there was still a big hole in my heart waiting to be comforted, to be loved. I was finally taken to the clinic after my sis called my parents and I had my wound stitched up but I don't recall being comforted. I was living with my dad then so i definitely didn't have my mum to hug me. I think that the emptiness opened up for the spirit of rejection to come into me as I grew up. 

I have to ask you this. Have you ever, at any point of your life, thought of committing suicide? Henry said he never did. 

I remember my sister and I moved to stay with my mum in her flat when I was four. When I got really angry with my mum, I felt like packing my clothes to run away or jump off the balcony. I would put a leg over the balcony but I was too chicken to jump. More like, wisdom took hold of me. Sometimes, stress at work can be so bad and when there is no way out at that point, I would just say "I feel like committing suicide". But really, I don't mean it. It is stupid to take my life away because there is always a way out. It is just at that point, it was very frustrating. Interestingly, spirit of fear from the fall opened up to spirit of rejection and then now came the curses upon myself to die. Sigh. What a whole lot of mess! I think the worse that came from such fright was fear of men which paralysed me from doing a lot of things later in life like singing on stage, presentations, meeting people, going on missions, even teaching Sunday school to babies. Yet, if I put my mind to it (battle of the mind) and overcome the fears, I actually do very well.

The fall leading to the spirit of rejection also left me with lots of relationship that did not work out. Always looking for love and never finding it. Henry was God's blessings to me because by then I had Jesus in my life and I was very very close to Jesus then.

The latest battle I had to deal with is hyperventilation or panic attacks. It could be over the simplest things like sorting mail. The other day, it was simply transferring some money from my account to Henry's account online. The system wasn't working well that day even though i called the customer service centre and I felt the pressure that if I didn't do it, then Henry would not be happy with me or my credit card would be cut off or something like that. I was so stressed but then I realized I shouldn't be like this and I kept crying out to Jesus aloud! Then I asked Henry how he dealt with circumstances like that when the banking system lets him down and he gave me a very good answer! He said "You should realize that the  IT world is equally fallen too so just be more patient. Give yourself a break and try again later". I think it just woke me up at that point of time not to be so hard on myself, to take a step back and look at the big picture and it is just not about me and to look at the circumstance around me as well and just be patient. Henry also said to do what we always tell our boys to do "Say I am kind, I am patient".

In my heart, I have forgiven my parents because I know it was the circumstances that led to all these rejections and fears. I know my mum did her best to raise us up singlehandedly, with whatever little resources she had and she has done a marvelous job because I grew up a happy child. I think she over protected me. She did a lot of things for me rather than to allow me to be independent so much so I have difficulty doing simple stuff like sorting mail! I think it is really tough to be a parent. We almost always have to play psychologist and balance out everything. 

I can see so many parts of me in Nic that it is frightening. We try to help him overcome his fears and help him to be more independent with simple chores around the house and building his character in Boys Brigade. We try to help him think positively rather than to go melancholic and thinking of the worse scenarios.

Only yesterday, Nic was coughing and when we told him he needn't go to school, he suddenly was healed miraculously. Ha ha. See how he psyches himself not to go to school? The doctor confirmed he had red throat but even before he met the doctor, Nic claimed he was healed because Henry prayed for him earlier. Henry is really cool because he has all this little visuals that helps Nic and Nic seems to be able to relate to them. He drew a visual of a weak brain and a strong brain and another which we are planning to show him are some strong plants shooting a weak zombie  (inspired by the "plant vs zombie" game).

It is interesting how I can grow up happy yet with all the hidden fears, rejections, spoken curses and suffering silently, trying to overcome them myself. It is only when I knew Jesus in 1998 that His love filled my big hole. And it is only this recent journey that He is teaching me how to overcome my fears, rejections and death so that they will have no more power or dominion over me.

In the name of Jesus, I bind this bondage of fear/ fright, rejection and death that has bound me since I was three. I ask for the blood of the lamb to sever all ties from all of you and I cast you into the depths of the sea. You evil spirits no longer have any power or dominion over me for God who is in me is greater than you spirit of fear, rejection and death.  I reject all the curses of death that I had spoken to myself in Jesus' name.  Holy spirit, come check my mind, my spirit, my soul and body if there be any unturned stone and fill me with your healing power and all of God's love, joy and peace in Jesus' name. Thank you holy spirit for revealing all this to me and for helping me be an overcomer. Thank you Lord for everything! Amen!