Sunday, October 9, 2011

Eulogy for Liz

My eulogy to Liz:

When Liz was first diagnosed with lung cancer, she saw it as a wake-up call from God to return to Him, and to serve Him with boldness.

Never once did she get angry with God or challenge Him why He had allowed this on her. At times when I angrily questioned God why He did not heal her she would be sad and remind me that all would be done in His time.

While she may not have been physically healed, I know God worked in other tremendous ways in her life.

She was independent and strong all throughout the 2year plus period she fought the disease. She signed up for bible study courses, attended prayer meetings, Elpizo support group meetings and continued tirelessly updating her blog.

On weekends when she could, she would still cook for the kids – all their favourite food and ran a tight ship keeping the house clean from the 3 grubby men in her life.

She still planned our holidays in her own immaculate detailed way.

Through her plight she united a divided church to intercede for her, encouraged our cell group members to stay faithful in their walk and reached out to countless friends and strangers, believers and non-believers, through her blog. She even made new friends with fellow cancer-sufferers through her blog and met them and encouraged them.

In the last few months of her journey, we have been so blessed by the love of our church, our family and friends and even complete strangers who were moved by her plight to raise funds for new treatment.

In our home, a steady stream of friends and family visiting, praying and singing praises with her, uplifted her spirits and brought back joy to our household. Even friends staying the night with her to care for her, relieving us to rest, and cooking for our kids showed that God was providing for us.

I don’t want to remember my lovely Liz as the bed-ridden, emaciated cancer sufferer. I want to remember her as the bravest woman I know, whom I had the joy of sharing my life with in more than 11 years of marriage and whose memory will continue to live on in her life’s work, her children and her blog.

While we will all miss her deeply, we will continue to see Liz living on in her 2 boys: Nicholas has all her gentleness, creativity and love for people. Ethan has all her strong will, brilliant hand-eye co-ordination, great dance moves and love for outdoor activities.

In closing, I just want to share this little extract from her blog entry to encourage all of you. These were the words she shared a little while after being diagnosed

Each day He brings new revelation as I draw closer to Him seeking His face. And living in God’s presence is far more beautiful than anything else and has even overshadowed the disease. I say, blessed be the name of the Lord. I see Him not only working in my life but in Henry’s life, my mum’s life and even in my cell group’s lives and I pray that you too will “catch the fire”.

Thank you. Please do catch the fire and renew your faith anew in the Lord.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Liz has gone home to the Lord

Henry: I know Liz has touched many lives in her constant updates and blogs ever since she began her adventure. While we are sad to see her go, we know that at last she no longer has to suffer and has returned to her real home where there will be no more tears and sadness. She left us on Thursday evening Oct 6th, 2011 in the hospital around 7.20pm after being too weak to withstand what was supposed to have been a simple tapping exercise to help her in her breathing.

I have lost my friend, my lover, my confidante in this world but I know that we'll meet again soon. Truly, "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"

In her last days she was getting a bit incoherent and finding difficulty focusing but she did manage to start one last post which she never finished:

"Feeling unwell

I am now currently  experoieng (sic) sickening. Hamir expected that my voice would be recover soon. Praise the Lord! 

I thank my relatives and friends who visited"

Always faithful to the end. Liz, we love you and miss you and look forward to seeing you again.

Henry, Nic and Ethan

Monday, September 19, 2011

Psalm 91

Thanks to Annette for reminding me of Psalm 91. This is one psalm that I have memorized by heart and was really helpful to me two years ago when I was so filled with fear but 2 Timothy 1:7 says that fear is not from God, so it must be from the devil and that we allow it to be manipulated by the devil.

Saying out Psalm 91, especially in the night and my mind thinks of all sorts of things, teaches me to calm down and brings a lot of assurance to me. Praise the Lord! God brings me peace to my heart. :) at first, it did not do anything for me until I turned the Psalm to me personally as follows:

Psalm 91

 1  When I dwell in the shelter of the Most High 
   I will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say  of the LORD, “You are my refuge and my fortress, 
   my God, in whom I trust.”
 3 Surely You will save me from the fowler’s snare 
   and from the deadly pestilence. 
4 You will cover me with Your feathers, 
   and under Your wings I will find refuge; 
   Your faithfulness will be my shield and rampart. 
5 I will not fear the terror of night, 
   nor the arrow that flies by day, 
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, 
   nor the plague that destroys at midday. 
7 A thousand may fall at my side, 
   ten thousand at my right hand, 
   but it will not come near me. 
8 I will only observe with my eyes 
   and see the punishment of the wicked.

 9 If I make the Most High my dwelling— 
   even the LORD, who is my refuge— 
10 then no harm will befall me, 
   no disaster will come near my tent. 
11 For You will command Your angels concerning me
   to guard me in all Your ways
12 they will lift me up in their hands, 
   so that I will not strike my foot against a stone. 
13 I will tread upon the lion and the cobra; 
   I will trample the great lion and the serpent.

 14 “Because you love me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue you; 
"Because  you acknowledges my name, I will protect you".
15 I will call upon You and You will answer me; 
   You will be with me in trouble, 
   You will deliver me and honor me. 
16 With long life will You satisfy me
   and grant me Your salvation.”

God's words are true and He really has shown me the many many times He has rescues me, the many many times He loves me, even through my family and friends. :) His angels come and encamp around about me and my family. Oh Lord, I love you so very much. Thank You Jesus so much for Your love for me! I praise You Jesus! I exalt You, Lord, I magnify Your name! :)



Praise the Lord that Dr Beh is due to discuss with two doctors specialized in Gendicine to solve the blood clot around the right lung. Please pray for God's wisdom to be poured on these doctors during the discussion. I just feel so blessed that God's hand is at work to bring these docs together during this complication but nothing is impossible to God.

Hamir just prayed for me over the phone. The anointing was so strong I started to cry. I felt the Holy Spirit cover me and reminding me that I will live! Praise the Lord!

There was suddenly a call from Heartscan Bangsar to ask me to come in for the 6th treatment. I was very encouraged by the news and after treatment i did feel slightly better. However, my brain became a bit fuzzy so much so I couldn't talk properly though in my mind I knew what I wanted to say. So weird! Thankful, my brain has gone back to normal again. Whew!

Thank you to all of you that greeted me on my birthday today. I am very touched.  Thank you so very much!

I am slightly stronger today because I find myself walking all by myself. Praise the Lord! The best part is when I start panting from walking around the room, I can quickly hook myself to the oxygen machine to catch breath and top up oxygen into my body.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Thank You for the surprise Birthday Party!

Thank You for the surprise Birthday Party!

Some ex-CCF members from church gave me a surprise when they jumped out one by one from the stairs to greet me "Happy Birthday"! But this time most of them came with their children. Previously, we were all single except one couple. They earlier wanted to set the table and banner downstairs before inviting me down. But I almost messed up their plans because I surprised Henry and my mum earlier by coming downstairs unaided! :)

Ee Leng even popped foil streamers cracker In-house. :) What a lovely surprise! Cheng Yi baked my favorite orange poppy seed cake. Yummy! There were just surprise after surprise, food wise, people wise - everything! We also had freshly baked bread, melon balls salad, edamame salad, soba noodles and guacamole. Yummy!

Tzu Anne wanted to repeat the little 'performance' I was made to do way back on 19.9.1999 (the theme of the party was based on the TV series "Space 1999"). I was so inspired back then to hold my birthday party based on the TV series because of the number of rolling 9s. But it back fired when Tzu Anne made me wear a pointy bra made of silver foil! Tsk! Tsk! Thankfully for her compassionate this round. :)

Coincidentally, a few of my uncles and aunty, sis and nephew also showed up and we all had a good time together. What a lovely blessing from God! Thank you my dear friends for the lovely celebration together. I will always treasure this moment. :)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Update- Admitted to Sg Buloh Hospital on 12/9/11 at 1.30 am

Update - admitted to Sg Buloh Hospital on 12/9/11  at 1.30 am

It was an interesting ordeal for me since it never happened to me before and I could not remember the main crisis part so it wasn't scary for me. I had to interview Henry and my mum to fill in the blanks. I can imagine it was a really scary and anxious time for Henry and my mum. So, here is recalling (with some help) what happened.

12/9/11 at 12.45 am

Henry told me I asked him to take me to toilet (even this I can't remember!) When I returned to bed, I got into a fit for few minutes -  my eyes rolled up and I clenched my hands to my side.

My mum said I fainted for a while and my eyes opened to look around but I was not responding to any of them. They called the ambulance and the men came to our room to take me into the ambulance. Apparently as I was so uncomfortable on the cold  stretcher, it was cold metal that I screamed "Dear, help me, help me! I am so cold! and there was adrenaline rush, I was so strong that I sat up! They brought along my quilt. :)

It was only at the Sg Buloh hospital at 2 am that I first recalled when I opened my eyes and i was wondering why I was in the hospital and which hospital. Henry and I were in the Accident and Emergency Ward (A & E Ward) when they finally placed me in ward 4D at 6 pm after 16 hours. It did turn out that A & E ward was better coz it was air conditioned, the service was better coz there were more staff in a smaller section. It was still comfortable in ward 4D coz we each had a ceiling fan over every bed. God poured rain everyday, His showers of blessings to cool the weather each day! Praise the Lord!

They first put oxygen as soon as I was in the ambulance and I kept fighting against it until about 2 am. They continued with oxygen when I was in A & E and they gave me saline and sodium drip as soon as the doc diagnosed me for low in sodium.

Day 2 - 13/9/11

Still groggy but better appetite today. Still on drip for more saline.

Day 3 - 14/9/11

I found out the doctor was going to withdraw fluid from my lungs even though we didn't suggest. Now that is really scary for me. I always thought withdrawing was from the lungs itself but apparently not! The fluid is outside the lungs and pushing the lungs so that it is difficult to expand. He poked a tiny needle in on my ride side of the ribcage after local anesthesia onto the spot and he managed to suck out 1.2 liters of straw fluid with a bit of blood stain. 

Doc still insist I stay an additional night because my sodium level was only 1.26 and not hit the recommended 1.30 level yet. I was immediately put back on the drip. 

I had some aches on my bum coz of so much rest and difficulty sleeping so guess what I received? 5 ml of morphine! It taste like bitter 7 up ha ha! They had no codeine DF118, only morphine. Interesting.

Day 4  - 15/9/11

After another bag of sodium in saline, I finally hit the sodium level of 130! praise the Lord! I was finally discharged at 12.30 pm and the timing was very good as we had time to go home to freshen up, rest and make our way to Heartscan Bangsar to meet Dr Beh for the Gendicine treatment which must take place every 3 to 4 days. 

The blessed experience from the few minutes of fit which I do not remember suffering was my sodium level was pumped up and the fluid was withdrawn from outside my lungs and I was fed with more oxygen. :) thank you Jesus. That is what You mean when Your best interest takes place from certain ordeals!

Back with Dr Beh, he decided he would use the saline drip to carry out both P53 and for the withdrawal of fluid outside the lungs. This was because a scan showed that there was still a lot of fluid which was adding pressure to the lungs still causing me breathlessness when I move around.

He poked from the same area as Dr Aaron Hew of Sg Buloh hospital did.  But it was all dry even after several poking. He said that means me the whiteness on the scan represents blood clot which is worse coz it is nothing Dr Beh can do. It hit me suddenly that is how God will show me when there is a turnaround, it is through His hand in whatever He will use or directly from His power. Now, it seems impossible to men but all things are possible with God. I put my hope and my trust in God because I AM HELPED! :) Praise the Lord! :)

We bought an oxygen machine and a heart and oxygen pacer from Maycare in Bangsar. Ethan is so cute. He loves to measure his oxygen level to 100 and quickly passes the pacer to me so that I can get 100 too! Such a joy. Without the pacer my reading for oxygen level is 92. Normal is between 95 to 100. My heart rate can be between 80 to 111 even resting! Currently with the oxygen tube on, my oxygen level is 98 and my heartbeat resting is 92.

Thank you for all your love, prayer and support even by visits from some of you. :) We feel so loved! :) Thank you so very much especially for Henry who must have gone through a lot each day running  up and down and even going back home each night and back every morning. 

Ethan says "poor thing" to me and I said "no" and he quickly corrects himself and say "mummy is strong and healthy in Jesus' name!" :) he is entertaining me now with lots of his art work, a heart, 2 combs, a fan and a flat lantern of cowboys and aliens all made of paper. Very entertaining. Nic is just happy I am home with them right now. I miss them all too. :)

Friday, September 9, 2011

Update - P53 Gendicine treatment #5

Update - P53 Gendicine treatment #5

Day 1 - Treatment and Right after Gendicine treatment #5

Before the treatment, I was feeling so weak and I had poor appetite, only a quarter of a bowl of sphaghetti. At Heartscan Bangsar, it  took me awhile to climb the stairs. Although Henry let me watch "The Banquet", I was so tired most of the time. Towards the end, after the nurse gave me a snack, I felt energized. After the treatment #5, I immediately felt stronger, able to walk faster, appetite returned partly because voltran was injected into me. Henry and i even had dinner together to celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary which was on 8 September! Prior to treatment we weren't sure whether we could celebrate and mummy wanted me to eat at home. But that ain't no celebration. It would seem everything is normal coz it would be over my leftover sphaghetti. Later at night, mild headache developed.  I took a panadol and an arcoxia. My voice was still like a whisper and mummy and Henry had to strain their ears to hear me. 

Day 2 - the morning after treatment #5

Surprise, surprise! The first thing Henry said when I woke up and spoke was that I am stronger today because my voice was stronger. :) Praise the Lord! I walked faster and I even wanted to go out for a very short walk. But as soon as I opened the gate and returned the keys to the house, I was panting again! So sweet of Henry who immediately encouraged that by next week, I would not be breathless anymore because Dr Beh said he will evaluate me on Monday and schedule a day to take out any fluid from my lungs. I would normally be afraid but after two years I am bold as a lion according to God's word! Still a bit fearful but I look towards God's words and His promises. 

That was my bunny self again trying to exercise again. I had to lie down and try again a few minutes to exercise again later. Alas it was drizzling! So, we guessed God did not want me to go out. I walked around the house and in the garden for a wee while and actually that was enough for me. Had to rest again. I started to cough quite a bit when swallowing the tablets. Funnily I was not in the mood in doing so and instead started a coughing frenzy. That made me weak again and my voice went back to a whisper. Sigh. Still I rest and went to tidy up my wardrobe. Imagine I could not do any of this before. I just have to keep resting in between so as not to overstrain myself. It is like going to gym and checking your heart rate now and then so as not to overstrain but imagine my level now! I observed that my appetite is back to good again ie a full breakfast and juice as well. Praise the Lord!

2 days ago while praying in the morning, the Holy Spirit spoke to Henry and gave him an idea to consider sending me to China if HITV is not then recommended by Dr Beh after Gendicine.. In China there is an added procedure with Gendicine to inject nitric liquid(.) into me to kill the tumour and to further clear it off with chemo. Chemo with Gendicine has much lesser side effects, that is the beauty off it. Henry had done some reading and he now has to ask the right doctors in China to make sure that it is workable as an alternative. That was how the holy spirit spoke to Henry 2 years ago when the holy spirit told me to tell Henry to fast and pray and as a result we told the fifth oncologist to use Tarceva instead. I think Dr Foo saw our determination that she never asked me to do a Tarceva test which would take another two weeks to get the results. Also, God had wanted me to start taking Tarceva immediately which tied to King Wai's burden to ask us to act immediately coz it was already two weeks after my first ct scan. And you remember the miracle that all aches and pain left me with only ONE tarceva pill which Dr Foo said was impossible. Praise the Lord! I know God is working something out for me now. Praise the Lord!

Do pray for me for next week's Gendicine treatment visits, on Monday and Thursday, blood test on Monday and the fluid withdrawal from the lungs next week. Thanking you all in advance. :)

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Target of RM250k achieved!

Thank you all so much for your kindness and abundant blessings. Because of your loving kindness and support, we have reached the target of RM250k so quickly. I want to thank Abba Father for His providence of these new treatments together with financial help when he burdened you all to help me. I am in so much awe and my faith in God has leaped. :) We need not worry anymore about finances to be paid for these treatments if everything is to be done in Malaysia but as explained, at least another RM50k is necessary if a procedure for HITV is done in Japan but we will need Dr Beh to confirm again later after the results from P53 Gendicine. So, any extra funds coming in will be held for this purpose.

On Monday, my base line report came out to be compared with later results. My face grimaced in pain looking at it. It seems like the cancer is everywhere. I dare not even mention here because you might only think of death. We need to look at Jesus because what man thinks is impossible but with God, anything is possible. It hasn't been easy recently because of the aches on my bum and my threshold of pain is low. But it has no power nor dominance over me for I am a worshipper of God and no weapon formed against me shall prosper!

Steven lee called me this morning and gave me much encouragement. Of late, because of my aching bum, I tend to look at the circumstance coz I am feeling so uncomfortable. Steven said in his spirit he knows that God has a purpose for me. He says it not to say nice things to me but he senses it deep in his spirit. My purpose is to glorify God. He has observed me and has seen wonderful things God is doing in my life and he has seen my faith leaped through this journey. He said I should look at God as a big great God so that all this pain and aches and circumstance will be just a tiny mole. I said yes, they are under my feet! He asked me to pray for God's double anointing every morning. I have almost forgotten all this because of the pain and I am so glad he called me to remind of how great God is and what He has done for me all this while. I am the righteousness of God in Christ.

Malachi 4:2
But for you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture

I am the righteousness of God in Christ!
I am the righteousness of God in Christ!
I am the righteousness of God in Christ!

Jesus TOOK my sins that I am now the righteousness of God in Christ. Everything is alright between God and I
He was forsaken, so that I am forgiven by God.
He was condemned, so that I am accepted by God.

Therefore, alll this happened not because of my sins but so that His great works can be seen in me. I thank you Lord in everything. May Your name be glorified and may everyone personally experience Your love! :)

John 9:2-3
And His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” 3Jesus answered, “It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


As of yesterday evening, the funds raised since 18 August 2011 is RM200k! RM 50k to go. Praise the Lord! Yesterday, I received a call from Steven Lee that he wanted to sow seeds to me too. I said oh no, you need it more than I do. know he has 4 adult kids to feed and he has many testimonies how God somehow provides for his family financially, always just in the nick of time! He told me it is not out of compassion but out of obedience to God that burdened him to sow a certain amount.

I would like to say a short prayer for all the "seeds" received from all of you and the future "seeds" towards these treatments that God has opened the door.

"May God bless everyone who has sowed the money towards my family for the treatments. May the LORD, the God of your fathers, increase you a thousand-fold more than you are and bless you, just as He has promised you! (Deuteronomy 1:11). May He who supplies seed to the sower, and bread for food, supply and multiply the seed YOU have sown and increase the fruits of your righteousness (2 Corinthians 9:10). Thank You Lord for Your indescribable gift. We praise You Lord! I pray all this in Jesus' name. Amen!"

Before the treatment, I was so weak, i was quite depressed I could not even lift my left leg to wear my pants. So, even as I get out of car or from the bed or into bed, I would automatically use my hand to lift up my left leg like a cripple! But in recent days I noticed I can actually lift up my left leg. Initially, when it was getting stronger, I could only lift as high as 6 inches! Still quite depressed. But now I am reminded that all these negative things not according to God's word are seen and therefore temporary. Only God's words "I will give you back your health and heal your wounds," says the LORD. ..." (Jeremiah 30:17) are eternal. I cling on to His many promises and His rhema to me. Thank You Lord for restoring my left leg to normal. Praise the lord!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Work overcoming self-centeredness

This was the daily bread that spoke to me this morning:

".......It  mustn’t escape our notice either that work was declared good before sin entered the picture. In other words, work didn’t result from the fall and therefore is not a curse. We see this idea again in Genesis 2, when God “took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it” (v.15).m
BLet’s approach each day’s labor—whether at a job or doing another activity to help our family—with an awareness of the dignity and nobility God granted it in creation.

Our daily work is used by God
To help us care for daily needs;
And work that’s done as to the Lord
Gives witness to our words and deeds. —D. De Haan"

It never occurred to me until reading the daily bread today that carrying out an activity to help others is considered work. To me work has a negative connotation. Working to earn money. Blessed are those who enjoy their work and still earn money. I guess I started off the wrong foot but really with no choice since we were below middle income family. If I had my way, I would go for drama and arts but there were no such studies except probably in America then. I would love to be in broadway, dancing, singing and acting. Unfortunately, I ended up in accounting but amazingly it was also a time of plentiful As because I finally could express in English and there were a lot of subjective papers as well.

In a way, I see a lot of myself in Nic. He is creative but lacks the confidence in a few areas. He is also quite brave on stage as long as they are not solo acts. Carrying out tasks can also be scary for him but Henry has been teaching him by allowing him to do things himself.

Instinctively growing up, I knew I had to teach myself to overcome fear but never with God's help. I joined audit to be better than just an accountant. I stayed in audit to face some of the fierce partners that just scold with lots of sarcasm. It was to build my personality to handle difficult situations. Then I specialized in corporate recovery to face dynamic situations, mostly hostile,  including terminating employee services but really because the business cannot be turned around anymore. Come to think of it, it was so masochistic to do this to myself all to overcome fear! If only I found Jesus. When I did find Jesus, I experienced such a beautiful talking relationship with Him but I still did not come across 2 Timothy 1:7. 

" For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

I was so caught up with the relationship, I did not allow my cousin Tammy to help me with this verse when all along, He was trying to reach out to me!

So, I pray, be open to even what YOU think is extreme teaching but if we allow God to  help, He will lead us to the truth and throw away what is wrong according to His word.

I recently realize that I have been condemned by the devil and that I am self centered. During the recent retreat at the Farm in Sg Machang, we talked about transformation and the areas we should submit to God to be changed. As I shared I sobbed uncontrollably . Eveyone in the group was so puzzled. Because I did not lean on God for daily tasks, I find it very exhausting when I give. I give till I burn out and then keep quiet a long while. That is when condemnation sets in. Sherry from Elpizo made me realize that I carry too great an expectation from myself. I could just give a call and chat a short while and that may be good enough but I expect more to be done and get depressed when things don't work out.

That is when I realize how precious P is because God is showing me so much when I depend on the Holy Spirit to reach out to P. P tells me that it is I who inspire her and I say that it is her who encourages me..ha ha. Really it is God putting us together to help each other. I only met her again after 15 years and she was very distressed. I prayed to God to fill my mouth with His words. And He sure did because I can't remember what I shared but she would tell me later how the words when applied to her life help her experience God. Her colleague is amazed how after all she has going through she still has joy in her heart! Then she would replay what I said to her. Praise the Lord! She encourages me back in return. When she went out to look for praise music as I requested her to listen, I asked her to look for 'God will make a way" at Salvation book store, she said I know, they are playing it now! How God loves her! That was God at work in her life! There were many other times and I am so encouraged to see how God works in her and all because I allowed Him to use me. So, I am reminded not to allow the devil to play my mind now that I have Christ. I will just call on the holy spirit to help me and give me ideas what to do and just sit back to see how God works. Thank you Lord for P. Thank You Lord for Your help. Thank You holy spirit!

This morning after the 4th treatment I feel half strong half weak. Strong coz I woke up early, walked a bit outside and am blogging. Weak coz I was coughing and throwing up phlegm and that made me feel weak and just lie down. But I need to move around just a little so that I don't get a sore bum! I did not take any arcoxia last night just two panadols for overall slight discomfort and I could not sleep.

Thank you all for your prayers. :)

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Update - P53 Gendicine treatment # 3

After the treatment on Friday, I felt strong at first but slowly developed headache at night. On Saturday, I felt stronger but towards the night, I had a sore bum from resting too much I guess. I massaged and massaged, popped an arcoxia and later 2 panadols but hours later till 4 am, I still could hardly sleep and each time I woke up, my bum still felt sore. I had no choice but popped DF 118 and how wonderful, I fell asleep immediately. This morning, I woke up pain free, strong and definitely strong enough to go to church.

We were blessed with more cheques today and well wishes, hugs and love. We have collected around RM180k todate, another RM70k to go! :) Praise the Lord! The target fund does not include the procedure in Japan as originally, Dr Beh wanted me to do HITV in Malaysia. However, since the results of the scan was worse than he thought, he has suggested for me to go to Japan now. We wait upon the Lord to see how He leads us in this area. There will be savings of approximately RM50k if it is done in Malaysia (not inclusive of savings of flight and accommodation in Japan).

I am truly truly touched by all your love gifts, even the lovely lady who made costume jewelry and forwarded all her proceeds for the day towards the fund. Thank you so very much to all of you, for your love and support to our family. Kok San's (who overcame a near death incident) wife shared with me today that in her case, she experienced God's providence too. I nodded my head profusely because it is nothing like experiencing God's love and miracle personally. It cannot be compared to listening to someone else's testimony. Somehow, when you hear someone else's journey, we sometimes doubt and think it is all a coincidence but when I experience it personally, I am totally in awe of God and all doubts leave me! I am so blessed to experience His love personally so much so that even when the journey is difficult, I find it an exciting adventure. I actually experienced His first miracle a few days after being diagnosed that I was filled with so much confidence that He will deliver me and i just wanted to share it all in this blog even though I can't see the end of it.

Now, I realize that there is no end to this journey because I am growing in Christ everyday! Even though I overcome this disease, there is more to experience and to glorify Him beyond it. And it goes on and on until I see Him! :)

Today's sermon by Mike Constantine was about being ordinary people on ordinary days in glorifying God. Alas, I learn the hard way in order to be blessed by Him. I had to be an ordinary person on EXTRAordinary days before I experience the many wonderful thingsHe has done in my life and I just naturally want to glorify Him.

I do pray that you take the easy way out and be that ordinary person on ORDINARY days to glorify Him. It is never out of our own strength though but from first experiencing His love, His amazing love, our King that would die for us. Thank you worship group that chose the song 'Amazing Love' today for it really speaks to me. :)

My next treatment is tomorrow at 2.15 pm and another treatment on Friday.

I must say after the first two treatments, I would be strong for a short while before weakness hits me on the second or third day. But this round, I find myself still strong even on the second day after treatment! Praise the Lord! That really encourages me. My sis noticed it too. She said last week she saw me lying down more than half the day and I can't hold a conversation long before getting breathless. Today, she observed I could sit up for quite sometime. I was in Church today, I had lunch at a shopping centre and when I got home my cousin and his wife visited me. So, I was up and about right up to 6 pm today with only an hour nap in between. All glory to God who sustains me and rescues me! :)

My group from bible class came over to my house to pray together yesterday morning. It is part of the Bachelor of Ministry program, even during term break. It has been getting really difficult for me and i wll have to speak to Lifeline Ministry for leeway during the next six months. If not, I might have no choice but to stop as it is getting very stressful for me. During prayers, we pray in understanding and also in tongues and take turns to share what we see or hear from God. We are not to judge but just encourage even if it is wrong since we are all practicing. But I am amazed by the response from the words of knowledge I share. Anyways, the girls, after praying for me saw the foollowing:

'You will be strong like a big tree trunk with beautiful leaves'
'I see love, joy and peace already filled in your heart'

Also, last night, Hamir shared with Henry what his vision was:
"I see peace within her and she will overcome this"

Thank you Lord for the many angels around me that you use to encourage me once again. It is true, You never leave nor forsake me even at this dark hour. I love You Lord !

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Update - treatment today at 2 pm

I have a treatment scheduled at 2 pm today. The drip takes about 2 hours each time and it is very comfortable coz the needle is small and painless and i would get a folder of CDs to choose from to watch!

Just to let you know the total number of Gendicine treatment is 10 times. I have gone for 2 so there are 8 more to go including today's.

The treatment takes place every 3 to 4 days maximum and it goes on until the 10th treatment. Thereafter another scan will take place. Sigh.

During these 10 treatments there will come a point, when I can take it, that the p53 will be injected directly to the artery of the liver and / or lungs. That is when there may be trauma but I know God will help me. :)

Do uphold me in your prayers. Thank you all so much. :) God bless you all abundantly.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Isaiah 46 & others personalised

Isaiah 46 & others personalized

A few days ago, Min Yi smsed me Isaiah 46:3,4 as she felt it was for me from God. Now and then, i would read it again and today I thought more about it. The verse that touched me most is "you carried me since i was born, You sustain me and You will rescue me" as I meditated on it and followed Mrs Gong's tip to personalize it as if God is referring to me directly.

Today, I got inspired to pull verses I remember from various parts of the bible together with parts of Isaiah 46
and wrote the following so I could read it back over and over again and meditate on it further. God is good all the time coz sometimes I just don't know where to begin reading for the day and I so much want to hear from God. Thank You Lord for guiding me tonight. I love You so much!

Here's sharing my meditation with you:

Father God, You upheld me since birth, 
   You carried me since I was born. 
   It is You, it is You who will sustain me
You made me and You will carry me; 

   You sustain me and You will rescue me.
You sustain me and You will rescue me.
   You sustain me and You will rescue me.

 You say Abba  Father  “With whom will you compare me or count me equal? 
   No one Father God, no one
   "To whom will you liken me that we may be compared? "
 No one Father God, no one Lord, no one Holy Spirit

 Some pour out gold from their bags 
   and weigh out silver on the scales; 
they hire a goldsmith to make it into a god, 
   and they bow down and worship it. 

They lift it to their shoulders and carry it; 
   they set it up in its place, and there it stands. 
   From that spot it cannot move. 
Even though someone cries out to it, it cannot answer; 
   it cannot save them from their troubles.

You say Father God:
  " I am God, and there is no other; 
   I am God, and there is none like me. 
I make known the end from the beginning, 
   from ancient times, what is still to come. "

Let everyone know God, there is no other God,
No other way to You but through Your son
there is none like You
You made it known from the beginning
You made it known through Isaiah 7
 And many other prophecies
And then You made the prophecies come true
You made it known to us from the beginning
That we might believe

Let everyone know You are God,
You are not a belief system
You are maker of heaven and earth

You sustain me and will rescue me
Coz You said so
And Your word is true
Your words are eternal
Your words are spirit and life
Your words give me Your life and peace.

I put my trust and hope in You
For I am helped.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Baking for Elizabeth Mah

Baking for Elizabeth Mah campaign

On some days, I feel my journey should be called "Saving Private Liz" ( as from the movie Saving Private Ryan). I first thought like that when I saw Henry searching for new medicine fNor me eg Low Dose naltrexone, some kind of blood transfusion technology at the Nilai Cancer Centre, solamargine and recently reading up on Gendicine. I was surprised not all husbands are like that. Ok, i guess i shouldn't be. It is just that when I share the same materials with my friends who were diagnosed with cancer and ask them to ask their husbands to read, they tell me their husbands are too busy and they normally have to read up their own. Some husbands still continue to work late at night and the wife continues to look after the children, even their education. I am so thankful for all that God has provided for me, a loving husband who sacrifices no end, a caring mother who looks after me and a caring mother in law looking after the children during the day during this difficult period. I guess everyone has a different journey and God works differently through different people for His good purpose.

Now, I am deeply touched again by support from my dear friend Cheng Yi who has started a baking campaign to channel all the proceeds from his baking for the first two weeks of September towards the fund raising for the Gendicine and HITV treatment! CY is also Nic's Godpa. Thank you so much Cheng Yi for all your hard work and sweat going to the funds!

I believe that this "Baking for Elizabeth Mah" campaign is a blessing from God through CY for your generosity. Well, I do imagine it that way. After all it is not always that when you give you also get a yummy delicious cake in return. :) 

If you or your friends or colleagues in PJ or KL are looking for a cake from the 1st to 14th September 2011, look no further but through CY. 

You can visit his blog to get his hp number and for the 6 variety of cakes he is baking during the campaign period. They are all very delicious eg you will find the durian cake richer than the durian fruit itself! The boozey/ virgin Spencer 4 seasons is really a boozey cake! Sigh, I have not tasted his cakes for two years now but I will one day soon. :)

The 6 varieties during this period are:
1. Boozey/Virgin Spencer 4 Seasons 
2. Tim's Nuts 
3. Durian Cheese Cake 
4. Oozey Caramel Chocolate Cake With Sea Salt 
5. Baked/Chilled Mars Bar 
6. Orange Poppy Seed Cake 

Do visit this link for the delectable photos and further details.

CY was also our matchmaker. Very very clever because I had no idea he was trying to match Henry and I together. It all seem very normal with party and a group of common friends gathering. Who would have thought he would hold a party specially so that Henry and I could get better acquainted! A group lunch would be easier eh? But CY would go all the way for his friends just like he is now. That is why he has become so close to our hearts. God uses him mightily in many many ways.

The total amount we have raised to date for the treatments fund since 18 August 2011 is about RM140k. Another RM110k to go! :) Praise the Lord who burdens the hearts of people to give! We just want to thank you all for your kindness and support. We look to God, our ultimate Healer who is in control of everything even in this baking campaign. Thank You Lord for everything!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Update - P 53 Gendicine treatment #2

Update - P53 Gendicine treatment #2

Early yesterday morning, before the treatment, I was feeling rather discouraged, so much so as I talked to God, I shed tears, crying out to Abba Father. I have been amazed that of late I have not been crying and I thought I must be growing up or something, trusting Him more and more.

I was feeling rather weak. Even after a shower, it takes me so long to dress up. Just to put my legs into the pants is difficult especially my left leg. I have to physically lift my leg to put into the pants. I walk so slow. I have little strength to put the plates into the sink so I just leave it on the table and mummy clears it away for me. What would I do without mummy presently. I heard J from HK, someone who knows a lot about Gendicine, wanted to meet me at Heartscan and maybe even snap a picture of me. I thought maybe she wanted a "before" shot to report back. Feeling weak, I wasn't looking forward to chit chat.

But I was wrong. She came with K and they were both angels sent by God to encourage me at just the right time. Throughout this journey, I notice that God never allows me to go into a deep state of despair and always rescues me. :) Yesterday was one of those days!

I asked her questions on the procedure of injecting directly to the tumour. Now I know that it is not directly to the tumour per se but to the artery of the organ eg liver and lungs. Where the disease has gone to too many organs it is best to be dripped intravenously. Only, when I am stronger, can they inject "directly" through the artery. Also, I can't start HITV so soon because if tomography is done to my liver, it may be too traumatic for me from the bleeding of the liver due to the procedure on a big size of tumor.

That was quite depressing news but I said " Well, God will help me". It was then the conversation changed and both J and K started sharing their own personal experiences with Jesus. She was previously a bhuddist and K's grandpa was previously a very staunch bhuddist until his grandma shared her experience with Jesus with her husband. They were such encouraging sharings and then I realized how great God's perfect timing was.  When they left, I felt such peace. God has His own timing to deliver us, to heal us and that timing is always the BEST for us. So, I should not be discouraged even though I can see with my own eyes the deterioration in me as though the first treatment did nothing to me.

Psalm 112: 7,8

"They ( the righteous)  will have no fear of bad news; 
   their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD. 
Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear; 
   in the end they will look in triumph on their foes. "

J explained that P53, a gene, is placed together with a virus as a vector to locate the cancer cells and to change cancer cells back to normal cells. That is a lay man explanation. :)

During the treatment yesterday, I felt good immediately partly because of the pain killer, voltran. My voice immediately grew stronger. When I walked, it was faster but I can still feel my weak body as if being held up by some drug.

Towards evening, I felt the drug wearing off and a headache developing. That was the same previously. Headache came on faster this round coz the treatment was in late morning this round. By 8 pm, I took one arcoxia and hit the sack. But an hour later, I was still in pain. When I cough, the shoulder muscles and ribs were hurting. The headache was still there. Feeling frustrated, I popped 2 panadols. Half hour later I came downstairs and declared to Henry no more pain, no more headache! Yayy! Praise the Lord!

At 4 am, I woke up alert, still pain free and strong. Last night I felt too weak to even throw away the e excel used beverage foils into the bin! At 4 am, I washed some plates from last night, cleaned up the larder and even prepared the sardine mix for this morning's breakfast for the family! The whole time i was standing. Praise the Lord! What a miracle! Of course, I keep thinking it could be the drug still working on me but I recall that the arcoxia did not work earlier and panadols don't last so long.

So strong I felt, I suggested to Henry this morning to watch a movie today! We're off to watch "Cowboy vs Aliens" soon. Yesterday morning, as I talked to God, I did ask for Him to renew my strength and let me soar like wings on an eagle. I asked for strength to return on 31 August 2011. But God gave me abundantly more than I asked for. How great is our God! He is a prayer answering God. Thank You Lord that you returned my strength today, a day before Merdeka Day! Thank You Lord for everything! :)

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Amazing Love

Amazing Love

 For the past week I have been singing "Amazing Love" because of the first two verses:

"I'm forgiven because You were forsaken
I'm accepted, You were condemned"

I know despite the little time spending with God because of the breathlessness, He will not condemn me because of the exchange at the cross. Jesus took my condemnation and in return He accepted me for who I am. So, I know I can worship Him in other ways like humming with the words running in my head, so I have been running this song over and over again in my head.

"I'm alive and well, Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again!"

How powerful Jesus' death on the cross. He even bore my sicknesses and gave me health. It took me a long time to understand it in my heart. We must appropriate it and receive this truth before it works in your life unless He calls you home because no one lives forever physically.

So, this evening,with Nic and Ethan around, I mustered enough strength to sing this song but when it came to :

"You are my King
Jesus, You are my King
You are my King"

I sang instead 
"You are my King
Baby, You are my King
You are my King"

Suddenly, Nic interrupted me even though he was playing a computer game. He was actually listening to me! He corrected me and sang "Jesus, You are my King". Ethan, my little competitive son had to chip in and said " I have also heard this song before".

I was really impressed with Nic. Later, he suddenly told Henry that he is misses Sunday School and when we asked why, Nic answered that he has forgotten about God and wants to go to church again to learn more about Him. Wow! I am very touched and I pray that he continues to grow up seeking after God's heart.

Nic observed that I sang very softly and he asked why. Sigh, I had difficulty answering him coz I do not want to say I am weak because I will not be defeated so I said "I am not so strong". I asked Nic to keep me in his prayers.

Last night I woke up every now and then and I think it is because I slept so much yesterday that when it came to bedtime I felt I had too much sleep. Having said that, though I sat up to try to overcome the discomfort from achy bones, i soon felt myself dozing off again. It is really hard to describe what I feel. Discomfort but tired?

Today, I woke up a bit weak like I was walking slowly though I wish I could walk faster. It is quite miserable feeling weak. Even tho I want to read the bible, just sitting up for awhile, makes my bones ache and I find myself sliding down down down until I doze off. It goes on the whole day waking up for juices and meals.

But I feel better now. Praise the Lord! I just found myself walking faster. Must be all the rest and the food that gave me energy! I am delighted!

Thank you so much for all your prayers. I thank God for all the angels that encamp around and about me and all the people that God puts around me supporting me. My friend's dad just called Henry and gave me so much encouragement, it really uplifted me. Praise God! Praise God!

"Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor You
In all I do, to honor You"

Thank You Lord for Your amazing love for me. You said in:

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Update - P53 Gendicine treatment

Update- P53 Gendicine treatment

I was feeling faint and weak yesterday morning before the treatment. Breathless when walking short distance. When I walk it felt like my right eye was using my left eye to walk so I felt like losing balance and I walked like a duck.

Thank God they had a day care room for me upstairs at Heartscan. They have no lift so I was dreading climbing the stairs but the nurse helped me. Praise God!

I was so relieved to lie on the bed. They had a tv for us and a folder of movies! Yippee! Greedy to watch but I was dead tired and just wanted to close my eyes.

They took a big syringe of my blood for a full blood test that cost us RM700 plus. Then they injected in volt ran, an antiinflamitory medicine to take all te pain and aches away. Then they put on the drip and flowed in saline and later Dr Beh came in to inject in 3 bottles of P53.. Dr Beh said "Say thank you to your friend's dad". I did thank him aloud. Only later did I realize that my friend's dad paid for the 3 bottles that morning. Thank You Jesus! The nurse then injected in some medicine to prevent tummy upset. I must say the service here is excellent. Three nurses attended to me and when I went to toilet with the drip she accompanied me!

Suddenly I felt really good coz the medicine took all my discomfort away. I seemed stronger and felt relax as well. I has difficulty talking before the treatment but since I felt relax I started chatting with Henry in the room. He was surprised with the sudden change. Stronger voice, more alert, less pathetic. Ha ha!

It took about 2 hours. When I walked down the stairs, I had strength! There was another client there from Indonesia whom I was too weak to talk to them but after the treatment I started chatting with them! Praise the Lord!

I asked should I worry if I did not have fever and the manager on duty told me I should not even worry in the first place. Then, I thought how right of him coz even the bible tells me so!

Philippians 4;6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

At night, I started feeling faint again with mild headache so I popped 2 panadols. Four hours later and the pain was even worse and I popped two more panadols.

This morning, I felt the chill and realized I came down with mild fever. I became so weak and went to sleep. When I woke up the chill left me and fever stopped. My body still feels weak and so uncomfortable. I told Henry and he was so happy, he said 'Hallelujah' coz it means I am responding to treatment. Dr Beh said the side effect is fever. The fever happens when the cancer cells are dying! Praise the Lord! You cancer cells, I command you to die and wither at your roots in Jesus' name. You cancer cells, I curse  your seed and your root in Jesus' name. I cut off your life source in Jesus' name!

Thank You Lord for your holy spirit flowing through me and bringing healing to my body, the same spirit that raised Jesus from the dead is now flowing through my body and quickening my mortal body. Thank You Jesus!

Do pray for me that all this discomfort will be gone soon.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Update- pet scan results

Update - Pet Scan Results

The pet scan has both good and bad news. Amazingly the mestateses on the left lung is mostly gone and are inactive. At least on the pet scan, i don't see any bright light. No wonder my cough has reduced so much and even though i do deep breathing i don't cough anymore. Still, i really need to increase my deep breathing to get more oxygen in.

 However, the  right lung tumour has grown much about half the lung. It might have grown much and then now going down. I don't know. The report says the treatment is working on me. I laughed.  I am not even under SJMC treatment since January so how does thier invisible treatment help? So it is  God working through  either low dose naltrexone, stem tech pills or one month of solamargine or all.

The tumour in the liver also increased, they are also in pelvis and vertebrae but thwt was previoisly there. So praise God the treatment of P53 Gendicine begins tomorrow. The doctor at Heartscan is  now not so optimistic but God just wants to show us that it is a His miracle using through the drug. If not everyone would just say "neh, it is not God but the very expensive treatments".

My friend's dad, DDW, who is helping us raise funds was so encouraging. He told us to go ahead and do it even if there is 1% chance because God wants me to be a great testimony of Him to everyone.

Dr Beh wants me to do P53 for a month before another pet scan (groan) and meanwhile he would discuss with the famous Japanese doctor for this technology on whether to start both simultaneously which was the original plan.

I assured him that God is with us and he will see a miracle. There was such peace in my heart, even Henry's for the first time. It is much worse than when the journey began but for the first time I have no more doubts. I claimed Isaiah 7 where He promised me that this cancer will not rise up, it will not take place and it will be too shattered. I claim the two elephants I saw in the sky, His promise for victory over cancer. The elephant in front of the third parade of birds trumpeting victory! This is phase 3 for me.

Psalm 31:7

"Let me not be ashamed, O LORD; for I have called upon thee: let the wicked be ashamed, and let them be silent in the grave"

I am not afraid. He will not put ,e to shame. The battle belongs to the Lord. I remember my first "lion" of what He did with one Tarceva, taking all my aches and pains away. Dr Beh said i look better than the results. It must be my high threshhold of pain and Henry quickly commented i have in fact low threshhold of pain. I told doc i do not like injections! The pain is more like discomfort and it is a miracle that i oly need 2 panadols to wipe the discomfort away for the day! 

I remember my second "lion" when I wept and I heard His will for me through Mrs Gong's sermon and words to me at Elpizo that He was going to use me and shortly after that the scan showed further reduction of tumours. 

When I went back to work in January this year, He was truly displeased with me in January and tumours increased. 

This is now my next battle. I remember my previous "lions"  (David's  victory over the lions that attacked his sheep) and I claim all His promises He has given me. And now, I sling God's promises to the cancer and it doesn't matter where I aim (just like David to Goliath) because it is God that will the direct the rock (His words) at the spirit of cancer!

I just want to thank God most of all for such a loving supportive husband. He surprised  me that day when he called me his heroine and inspiration. :) I never thought my way like that. God's chosen hubby for us is always the best. It took me 8 months crying and waiting upon the Lord for a husband when I became a born again Christian. It was a terribly long time since I lived such a different life before.

Thank You Lord for your overwhelming love for me and overwhelming support from my family, ex colleagues (both Henry's and mine), friends and total strangers. Thank You for my guardian angel DDW!

I thank You Jesus that You took my infirmities and bore my sicknesses 2000 years ago and I need not bear it any longer. I will LIVE and not die but declare Your wondrous works. That is Your calling for me and as a family, the real prayer You wanted me to pray all along.

Thank You Lord for everything!

The P53 treatment starts tomorrow at 1.30 pm. They will inject it intravenously and not directly to the lung tumour as planned because it is too big. That is the doctor's reservation but let us see God's hand enfold together. Please pray with us. Please pray also for my left pelvic area. I can't seem to lift my knee up while in a sitting position so i have to use my hand to lift it up. I still can walk. Thank you all so much. :)

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Rejoicing in the Tunnel!

Rejoicing in the tunnel

When Henry dropped me off at the emergency ward yesterday at SJMC, two hospital staff came to help me. I told them I am just here for a pet scan but they still asked me if I needed a wheel chair.  Man, I suppose I look really weak. I was feeling faint and walking slowly because I fasted since 5 am after my breakfast. I could only drink water. I turned down the wheel chair.

The procedure normally takes 4 hours or lesser. Actually it took longer than that! Probably about 5 hours. I was getting restless. Anyway, the good part was that the needle in comparison to a ct scan is much smaller so there was no pain when they fixed a line to my hand. Praise the Lord! That was my prayer for the morning. I kept saying to myself 'Be brave, be strong for the Lord God is with me for I am walking in victory, yes I am walking in victory, no I won't be afraid, no no, I won't be afraid for the Lord God is with me!

Then, I was injected with some fluid. Later in another room, they injected a big syringe of radiation. Groan. More poison into my system.

They put me into a private room to rest where I was injected with another fluid. Over 3 hours, they gave me 3 glasses of weird tasting water. I could go to the toilet, in fact it is encouraged.

Finally, I was taken to the pet scan room and they strapped my arms down above my head. I was to lie down for 30 minutes without moving. Thank God recently I overcame claustrophobia and yesterday was another test. I started gazing at Jesus and sang "Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice. Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice. Rejoice, rejoice and again I say rejoice. Rejoice, rejoice and again I say rejoice". The machine slips me in and out the tunnel several times. After a while I must have dozed off and then I woke up with a very slight cough within and I though oh no, I am not suppose to move my body and was getting afraid. Yet, I gazed at Jesus again and started singing the song and I calmed down and everything was back to normal. Oh, earlier when they fixed the line, they gave me a pill to relax my brain! So it did help make me a bit drowsy.

After the scan and changing back to my clothes, I was led to a room and given a sandwich and a cup of Milo. It was such a relief. I was there from 11 am to 4 pm. The results will be out today about noon and then we are off to Heartscan Bangsar to meet Dr Beh.

Henry and I prayed that we will not depend on the medical report because God's way is a much bigger picture. Healing is already accomplished on the cross 2000 years ago and that is the finished work. We claim it Jesus' name. I just pray the P53 Gendicine treatment will start this week. Please pray with us. Thank you so much.

We have received about RM60k thus far. Another RM190k to go. :) thank you so much for your contribution. We are deeply touched. We place our trust in God our provider. I praise u lord, I praise u Lord, you are my rock, my salvation, my deliverer, my healer, my provider, my tower of refuge' my shield. I magnify you! I exalt you! To God be the glory!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Blessings by Laura Story

I just want to thank my cousin Tammy for blessing me with this song by 
Laura Story. Recently she felt a great burden to pray for me and she forwarded this song to me. 

I can relate to some parts of the song. However, I have never been angry with God since the beginning of this journey. 

"We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near"

He gave me great peace and strangely to my mum too and later to Henry that God will deliver me out of this. What I struggled with was His timing. I wanted it so much my timing. I actually put it as 31 August 2009 and then it was 31 August 2010 and now I almost dare not. Knowing me, I know I will still plead God. :) I just keep seeing the number "2"! It could be 2 months, 2 years..I dunno.

What I can relate to the song is about crying and tears and to me, every time I feel weak or have a symptom, I just cry out to Him and it is these moments that I feel really close to Him. 

"What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near?"

I really feel His love and most recently He has revealed to me these treatments. It is like He did it to show me yet again how much He loves me and I am so overwhelmed by His love. I can see myself under His wings until disaster has passed. He has shown me His blessings in terms of the funds coming in and the support from friend, relatives and even from total strangers! I feel God's love through their love.

Even at times, I just want to reach out and touch Him and just desperately want to feel Him close to me, I realize from this song:

"And all the while You hear each desperate plea
As long that we'd have faith to believe"

Sometimes I wonder how His word sinks to our spirit man and recently He has showed me it is just by meditating on it, praying in His words, speaking it aloud or just saying it in my mind over and over again. But I feel a need to speak it out to let the devil know where I stand. These days a bit tough since I do get breathless. My aunt Agnes ( dad's side) says she can hear my breathlessness because she is a trained nurse. I thought she would not be able to tell since I could hold a conversation with her but she picked it up.

The trials in this journey is God revealing His love and mercy to me. I really want to be at a point that I completely cannot doubt because He has shown me so many great things, so many miracles, the latest being the provision of these treatments which we completely cannot afford.

I was reading the "Taming of the Tiger" by Tony Anthony and it has removed so much doubt from my mind of how God works in my life and in the life of others. I struggle with explaining to others of His many miracles he has done in my life. I sometimes feel people do not believe me but in Tony's case, he is soooooooo convinced, he does NOT care less what people think of it. He has experienced God's love in such awesome ways (coming from bhuddist background and deeply entrenched in the way of Kungfu, chi and all which he wrote in such great detail), he just wants to go and share to everyone what he experienced!

These days he discourages people from taking martial arts. He said in the west, people take it up for fitness and self defense but he warns from his own experience ( he is a 3 time world Kungfu champion), that it is rooted in spirituality which he believes is misleading and dangerous.

He says the way of Kung Fu is different from the true way of Christ. I remember that is one of the areas I was trying to explain daddy about the difference between bhuddism and Christianity. My dad just reckons that all religion leads to the same path and it is only a change of label of what each religion calls god. I shake my head.

 Kung Fu to Tiny Anthony is a way that builds false confidence in self. Martial arts appeal to a person's fears, weaknesses and ego. Christ's  way is to release a person into new life, freedom and security through and in Him.

 I heard that 'Taming of the Tiger" will be made a movie someday. You must must catch it. His life was so colorful, like really out from a movie!

This was Tony's rhema from God:

John 8:36

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

Anyway, back to the 'Blessings' song. Here are the full lyrics and the link to you tube. Laura's husband had brain tumour and their journey was very long before healing came. The back ground story can be heard here.

Blessings (lyrics by Laura Story)
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life 
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
As long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

And what if trials of this life 
Are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

You tube movie for the song "Blessings"

Triumphant Entry - Elephant sighted! Twice!

Triumphant entry - Elephant sighted! Twice!

I sometimes look at the sky to look for a cloud elephant formation as a  sign from God that healing is just round the corner. No matter how hard I look, I just cannot spot one.

It is about phase three of a beautiful dream I had quite some time ago. Phase three has a blue floating elephant ( giant balloon) followed by a variety of beautiful birds in the sky in a parade. I sensed God telling me that the elephant signifies triumphant entry, victory over cancer and the variety of birds signifies the many blessings poured out from God to me and my family.

I hold on to God's promises in the bible and to this dream.

So, I was really surprised and excited when I saw a 3D elephant floating in the sky (formation of cloud) on Saturday morning as we drove down to Port Dickson. It quickly changed shape but long enough for me to admire it and be in awe. Since it changed so fast, doubt started to seep in. Still, I claimed this dream again and thanked God that healing is round the corner. With the unfolding of events, this is another confirmation that this treatment that God blessed me with is the correct direction to take. The next day, driving home from Port Dickson, I saw another elephant in the sky and this time I showed Henry! Praise the Lord. God knew I was in doubt so he sent another one to show me that healing is just round the corner!

Of late, the following bible verse has been very close to my heart. It was given to me at the beginning of this journey and I remember I was so happy to receive it and then I realized that his timing is not my timing. What I think is around the corner is not the same as God's so I started asking for a sign in the sky so that I know when victory will manifest in the physical realm too.

Isaiah 58:8
Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Thank you Lord! Thank you for your confirmation. I claim that your healing for me is round the corner!  Some are beginning to put doubts in my mind now but my trust is in You and not based on my own understanding. I know Your ways are supernatural so I just place all my trust in You, Lord. I know the pet scan postponement for the second time o Lord is the work of the devil. I bind and break all work of darkness assigned to us in Jesus' name. It has no power no dominance over us. We pray for Your angels to encamp around and about us and the hospital staff at SJMC and Prince Court to give us a new date and to also help them solve their problems. I claim your promise O Lord that You who is in us is greater that the evil out there. No weapon formed against us shall prosper for we are all worshippers of God and we are Your children. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Right after the news of the wrong calibration of the pet scan machine at Prince Court, Henry and I prayed together and I wrote the above. Henry also sent out SMSes to our bible study group to pray for us. While he was smsing, I was on the phone with SJMC that they have a slot for us at 11 am on Tuesday, tomorrow! The radiographer told me to fast 5 hours and the procedure would take 4 hours. Praise the Lord! God's mighty mighty hand is upon us indeed! Thank u Lord! Thank u Lord! I love You soooooooo much!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Update - pet scan, funds

The pet scan scheduled for Friday has been postponed to Tuesday next week because the facilitiwas are not available for tomorrow. Everything in God's timing. I was feeling weak today but I am blessed coz mummy came to look after me and cook for me and juice for me. My dad came to visit me too. Praise the Lord! We talked a lot about bhuddism and Christianity. Energy vs God's words. It is good that we can share with each other. What surprised me that despite it all, my dad said he learned a lot from me. What? Wow! How? I pray somehow the holy spirit is working within my dad and dad can experience God's love personally.

The funds are slowly flowing in from Irene's friend and from my relatives. Also, we are so touched that Henry's Singapore friends said they will try to get in touch with his ex colleagues and ex classmates to raise funds. It did not even occur to us of this channel! Praise the Lord!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

P53 and HITV costs RM300k

P53 and HITV treatment costs RM300,000

Today, we went to see a doctor on gene therapy called Gendicine P53. We heard there would be a clinical trial and if blessed,we might be chosen for it. It involves injecting a bottle of medicine directly to the tumour every 3 days. Each bottle cost RM 3000! Total cost is about RM 100,000! Then, he talked about another treatment called HITV which KIm Kee my friend shared with me months ago. since Kim Kee already told me the cost is about RM200,000, we did not meet the doctor because the cost is totally unaffordable.  It also involves a trip to Japan for a procedure. The cost does not include the accommodation in Japan for three weeks!

Elaine and uncle Mickey told me not to worry about the cost because God will provide but our minds cannot fathom how!

However, recently Henry has been touched by God and he has seen with his eyes how God provides us financially. Right after the discussion with the homeopathy doc regarding solamargine recently at a cost of RM 4800, Henry was so troubled yet God provided by increasing His monthly allowance. As he started to tithe more, he saw how God provided more blessings again. When he was upset with God when he saw me suffering, God spoke to Henry to have more faith in Him and to trust Him. Suddenly, i saw how calm he was in the clinic when these big numbers were thrown at him today. I was  really very very surprised. God really increased Henry's faith to just trust Him completely even financially which is the hardest part for Henry on a normal day.

We were at peace with the idea of the treatment and after meeting the doc, we were thinking about the groups of people we could approach to raise funds but before we could think deeper about it today, our friend informed us that his dad would like to help us raise funds. We were so touched by God's love for us. This is only shortly after we stepped out of the clinic and were discussing at a restaurant. It is simply a miracle! Tomorrow, we will meeting our friend's dad to pray together before he begins to raise the funds. We would like to commit all these plans to God.

Proverbs 16:3
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed

Praise the Lord! All glory to God! Praise God for a wonderful compassionate man and his children who felt led to help us. Praise God for all the support of family and friends and their prayers. I have been feeling weak lately and we believe this treatments are so timely. God is blessing us with two treatments instead of one. What we think it is impossible, God made it possible! B53 followed by HITV. I am amazed. When God says He provides His words never lies. 

Philippians 4:19
But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Everything He says in the bible is true. We just need to surrender it all to Him. Many friends tell me that if it is truly an open door by God, He will even make the finances happen. Wow! We see it with our own eyes now. The funds have not come in yet but we are confident now because He has already shown us today and it ties in to His promises.

This came after soul searching last week when I talked to God and said I just want to seek His face. I cried "i just wanna seek Your face, i just wanna seek Your face". You see, because of the breathlessness, singing praises to God was becoming difficult and some mornings, I don't sing to Him. Praying in tongues also has been difficult because of the same. Slowly, I started spending more time watching TV instead of spending time with God. I wanted to start all over again with God.

Last week, I told God I wanted to cut off watching too much tv and just come before Him even though it has been difficult singing to Him and praying aloud for long. I told myself God is so loving, even if i spend just 5 mins with Him, He would still love me. Just when I told Him this, the talks at the recent retreat at The Farm talked about "How to Wait Upon the Lord" and "Transformation" which part of it talked about seeking God and He would
manifest Himself. Mrs Gong shared with us how as she talks to God, God would speak to her or she would just sing one song over and over again. She also shared with us how as we replace the words in the bible to us personally, we could meditate a long time on His words. And that is how she could spend 2 to 3 hours daily with God and she enjoys it tremendously. 

Then, when I returned on Friday, our bible study topic was on " the pure in heart will see God" from the Beautitudes. 

Matthew 5:8
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Hey, that is what we learned at the Farm! We also sang this song "My heart longs for you my Saviour" and I could relate to this song so much because I really wanted to come back to Him despite the challenges. It's nothing like praying and singing aloud compared to all in silence though He still can hear us.

In addition, Sunday's sermon was about longing for God like "As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God (Psalm 42:1)" and that is exactly how I felt!

I want so much to be in His dwelling place despite the difficulties, the weakness, the temptation of tv, the thought of boredom from reading the bible. I told Him I would persevere and I know I would just see Him day by day as I gaze at Him. I started singing the song "My heart longs for you my Saviour" despite the breathlessness. Today, I see His wondrous works and His hand over our lives. 

Oh Lord, I love you so much! Thank you thank you thank you so much for your abundant blessings. I just pray that I will just grow into a deeper relationship with You. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Gazing at Jesus

Gazing at Jesus

My friend LP says I am courageous because I don't even go for ct scan. She was diagnosed with lung cancer stage 4 and recently discovered a new technology (well it has been around elsewhere for 30 years) called cyberknife and the procedure is offered in Beacon Hospital, PJ. For RM 50,000.

Anyway, I told her the courage came about because I truly believe that God will/ has heal(ed) me. Even at the point of weakness, I do feel discouraged but I simply cut of these thoughts and choose to look at Jesus. I then telll Him aloud all the promises He has for me, reading the many scriptures. Then, my soul will arise and I will then sing and praise God.

Yesterday, I told Henry "I can walk faster today". I think it took him a few seconds to register that comment because it is normal for healthy people to accelerate their pace. For me, I seem to be walking as slow as a tortoise. Even Karen Kerr noticed on family day and commented that it seems to take a lot from me to walk.  But my acceleration came about to me yesterday because energy has returned to my body! Praise the Lord for His continued healing upon me. I notice I can get out of the car quicker. So, today I decided to be careful not to overstrain myself with exercises because somehow I just judge my body wrongly and end up aching the next day which leads to weakness.

I pray for wisdom and just learn to observe my body better. LP taught me some qiqong steps today without the explanations and I noticed I've seen them before either through cd or through Aunt Kiki demonstrating to me. But i thank LP for demonstrating so that i can add more exercises to my routine. The one I can't agree with is the forming of 'qi' into a ball and putting the ball anywhere that needs healing. I would rather have the holy spirit as a ball of fire flowing through my body to repair all my damaged cells. Qi did not make the universe. God did and in Genesis 1:2, the bible says that the holy spirit was hovering (Hebrew rahapl) over the waters during creation.

Rahapl , means "to brood over, to hover with a gentle wavering or fluttering motion, as of a bird over her young." What a beautiful picture! God is about to bring into being every living thing and His Spirit hovers over the waters of creation as a mother cares for her children. C.F. Schultz wrote: "Over the lifeless and formless mass of the world-matter this Spirit broods like a bird on its nest, and thus transmits to it the seeds of life, so that afterwards by the word of God it can produce whatever God wills." (C.F. Schultz, "Old Testament Theology") 

What more the holy spirit flowing through us to quicken our mortal body! :)

Tomorrow, I am off on a trip with Elpizo members to the Farm in Seremban. Two days ago, I wasn't sure I could make it because I felt weak. Today, I am strong again. I really want to thank God for He is a loving and faithful God. He never let's me go each time I wait upon Him. I know it is very human to think logically on why and what when we feel a certain way and we panic and become anxious and take things into our hands to fix it. But I believe God so much and his verse in Proverbs 3:5-6 that says:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart 
   and lean not on your own understanding; 
 in all your ways submit to him, 
   and he will make your paths straight."

I do get discouraged when the problem persist for days but I do not dwell upon it. I do not lean on my own understanding but just trust God in that circumstance. He has not let me down and I just want to praise God and glorify His name!

"Since ancient times, no-one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides You, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him."
Isaiah 64:4, NIV

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

An Appointment With Death

An Appointment With Death

Ps Victor Wong, the consultant to SIB Church gave us a sermon at Elpizo on the above topic today. He made us do something we normally do not do, a death therapy. Actually I can't quite make out what to think of it but I think it made me confront with death more personally rather than leave it to the hands I leave behind eventually.

We have homework too! What weird thing he made us do we are to share with our spouse and then again with our children.

We were each give our tombstone on paper.

First, I was asked to draw a picture of myself in the box given. I drew my present hair do (curly!) and with big eyes and a smile..he he

Then, I wrote down my birthdate. He asked us to think about a date we think we would die. He said it was just a therapy and nothing prophetic. If we were totally troubled about it, then to leave it out but he assured us that this whole exercise will benefit us much. So, okay, I added 40 years more to the year of year 2051. He said we could add the day and the month as well but no number appeared in my head so I just left it out.

The thing is in our journey as Christians, God heals us from the inside out. He starts with our spirit and that healing slowly flows to our mind and body. So, it does not matter how hard others pray for us. Some are discouraged when we pray and God still takes them home so soon.  Our spirit is already healed (saved) and whether we die young or old, whether we choose a further date or we think we die sooner, our home address just changes from here on earth to home with the Lord in heaven. That is the assurance we have in God. 

So, this is just a death therapy and we filled the death date we thought we would die.

Next, he asked us to write down at the bottom of the tombstone a bible verse. He said if we did not write any bible verse, he is quite convinced that our family would fill in Psalm 23 for us! So, better squeeze your creative juices and think one yourself now!

I thought of the rhema that God first spoke to me in this journey so I chose:

 2 Timothy 1:7

" For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

Then, we are to write our epitaph in the middle of the tombstone. It could be very short words like "Praise the Lord!" or "I finished well" but you could also write a long wordy one. You could thank your other half and your family and friends. I wrote thinking of encouraging others to seek God seeing what He has done in my life, miracles after miracles.

So i wrote:
"God gave me a second chance in life. He too can give you a second chance if you seek Him with all your heart, soul and mind."

Ps Victor changes his tombstone every year and reads it out to his wife. He shared us somehow he thinks he will die at 50. Having heard him, I think God put that in his heart so that he would seek to accept death and teach others the same. I have never met anyone like him! He has read many books on death and even movies which he gave us a summary on.

The Bucket List
P.S. I love you
Seven pounds
Tuesday with Morrie

And the book written by Randy Pausch called the "The last lecture". He died last year of cancer and would rather teach his last lecture to leave his legacy behind to his three young children rather than spend time with his children.

He told us of his close friend who eventually died of cancer. There were so many questions he wanted to ask his friend but he didn't know how to. His friend's wife felt she could only support him by taking care of him and bringing him to many alternative treatment. He cut off his relationship with his two daughters because he didn't want to hurt them. As a result the two kids felt the sickness was all their fault. Ps Victor felt he could not answer why God would not heal him. He felt  totally helpless and he asked God what he could do as a friend.. He sensed God telling him to write book for his friend called "Unspoken Words".

In it he wrote the many questions and thoughts in his mind, his friend's wife and his children, all of which he could not say it aloud. He finished it in 2 days and gave it to his friend. Because of that book, the family was reconciled and he passed away the following day.

Ps Victor had once told his friend that he should have spent his time with his family rather than seeking and seeking alternative treatments

Regarding the homework, he said initially our children would be worried of losing their parent if we bought up the topic but because we share with them what to expect, they will treasure their parents even more.

Okay, here is the weirdest part. He has a plan to hold his living funeral soon, possibly next year and you are all invited, believers and non believers.

He will have his coffin there but he will surprise you whether he will be in it or not. He will have a real life opportunity to thank his family and friends. He said he expects some parts to be teary and some parts of laughter too. He will also paste up cards he received throughout the journey that touched him.

He is 45. Despite the death he feels in 5 years he thinks he will serve in SIB for another 7 to 10 years! Told you he is weird. He said that if he lives beyond 5 years, he would just continue glorifying God. So see, it does not matter when we think we will die because we are already assured to be with God early or late in life. :)

And I guess that is the bottom line I learned. So, do not take a chance on your afterlife. 

John 14:6
 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

You can be totally assured to be with God when you believe in Jesus.

Romans 10:9-11

 "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. As the Scriptures tell us, “Anyone who trusts in him will never be disgraced"

Monday, August 8, 2011

Growth spurts

Growth spurts

After church yesterday, Ethan asked for his craft which he did in Sunday School. I told him that it was in the purple bag in the boot so he had to wait until we returned to the house. Later in the evening, it suddenly occurred to him about the craft again. He went into a room where the purple bag is normally kept and he started looking for it again! I was wondering what he was up to.

Then he said "I need paper". I asked him to look for it in the normal place. He took one big sheet and sat on the floor. 'Mummy I need pencil", he said. I was really curious. He took some of his stickers and stuck the corners of the craft onto the big piece of paper. He then started to copy down the whole memory verse onto the paper in very very big letters.

This was the memory verse he wrote:

“God is with you in everything you do.' Genesis 21:22

He was very headstrong about his little mission and he completed it! He has not done anything like that before so Henry and I were rather amused. He kept reading it over and over again.

I was very encouraged by the verse. I have not seen this verse before. I checked the bible to see whether it was word for word and it was! God IS with me in everything I do! Hallelujah!

I decided to use 3 verses to help me get up from where I am sitting or lying down so I can do my daily chores. Marvin taught me something from yesterday's sermon. He was teaching us how to get started reading the bible for those in spiritual dryness. It can be applied to anything we are about to do. After we pray for God for help to read the bible or in my case, to strengthen me, then I must believe that He has strengthened me and not continue lying down feeling weak. I started saying this morning "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13) You are with me in everything I do. (Genesis 21:22) You renew my strength. (Isaiah 40:31)". And with one big push, I get up and start to move around. :)

The boys amazed us last night during dinner. I cooked a simple meal of ABC soup (with carrot, corn, tomato, potato and onion), a plate of blanched broccoli, fried eggs, baked corn served with a mix of multi grain rice with white rice. It seems so bland to me but the kids actually loved the broccoli. Ethan decorated broccolis around his plate and I was worried he was not going to finish them but he did. He placed his rice into the soup and with two bowls of soup he finished his rice. Both boys loved the baked corn though they would turn down corn every time at shopping malls. Henry was commenting that we would not have seen this from them two years ago! Later Henry whipped us all a banana mango yoghurt smoothie. :)

What a wonderful dinner it was!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Transformers - The Dark Moon

Transformers - The Dark Moon

Man, this is the second time Trsnsformers brought me to tears. I dI'd not expect to learn anything from this show but watching it for pure entertainment only but being so close to God, The holy spirit helped me make a connection of what evil can do and what God does to protect us.

This was Optimus Prime last quote at the end of the movie:

"In any war, there are calms between storms.
There will be days when we lose faith.
Days when our allies turn against us...
but the day will never come that we forsake
this planet and its people."

I just started to tear as I heard his words. It was God never forsaking us even  though we are in the storm, even though the most perfect angel, Lucifer turned against God and wanted to be God himself and was thrown down to earth like lightning and now called the devil. He now wants to take over planet earth in the sense that he wants to deceive as many humans as possible not to believe in God (as the devil deceived Eve) even though at present God has already given us a way out through Jesus Christ.

Ethan was playing Gundam on PS2 this morning and the introduction talked about the principalities of Zeon launched a war against the independence of the federation of earth. I was also reading Ephesians 6:10-18 on (daily bread):

Ephesians 6:12 (KJV)

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."

Is it any coincidence that many movies are about good overcoming evil? I think not. 

I thank God for speaking to me through Transformers, Gundam and the daily bread this morning. Thank you for reminding me to always store God's words in my heart (our weapon) to fight against the devil for His words have divine power to demolish strongholds.

2 Corinthians 10:4
"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds."

So, even though I feel weakness, it has no power no dominance over me because God's words say He is restoring me back to health and healing me all my wounds. He is watching over His words to perform it. And slowly strength IS returning as I survived PBC's Family Day at MBS, Kuang yesterday and still had energy to watch the movie thereafter. Praise the Lord!